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Seriously, I don't think that i can take anything more to stress or have anxiety over.
The whole school day I thought that I was going to have a panic attack if I kept thinking about everything.
Well, it sarted after first period, during hte assembly...but whatever.
And of course I can't stop thinking about wverything at once.
So I just chose to focus on one thing more than the others, like a song, my story, or what my friend just said.
But I had to try my hardest in Geometry because the teacher [[named Mrs. Dvorak, if any of you want to go beat her]] was being a bitch.
I have finals and tests and presentations and chapter tests and a wedding and moving that's mostly in my head.
But each one carries it's own weight of freaking troubles, mostly it's the moving and then the wedding, everything else is just MAJOR annoyances that keep occuring, if I didn't have a planner I would probably be failing all my classes.
music, friends, and writing my story are the only things that are relaxing me nowadays. I can't relax myself.
And sometimes my friends just make it worse so I should cross them off the list.
I only have 14 more days of school.
I hate it, because i'll be moving right then but I love it because I can't take the school pressure with everythingg else for much longer.
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I'm just gonna say it, it'll be quick and painless.
Like ripping off a bandaid.
...
who the hell am I kidding ripping off a bandaid hurts really bad.
Here's the deal...
...
I'm in love with my bestfriend.
And she doesn't know.
And she's [as far as I know] completely 100% straight.
And I'm only going to see her one more time [though it's over a weekend] before I move.
i don't know what to do.
I wanna tell her.
But, I don't want it to be weird.
And the next time we hang out it will be a sleepover with her, me, and two of our other [girl] friends.
What am I to do?
I'm thinking i probably shouldn't tell her, I don't want her to freak out.
We both know that the other [sister] loves them.
But, I don't know how she'd take it.
And I know I'm not just making this up, I've thought about this for a long time.
I just don't know what to do.
I really want her to know how I feel, but I don't want her to freak out.
It's not like I'm expecting her to feel the same way, I just want her to know how I feel about her.
She knows everything about me, except this.
And she accpets everything, but I don't know if I wanna risk scaring her off.
But then again since I would be moving cross-country after I told her it could act like a bandaid.
[[bandaids are cool, so many metaphores/analogies]]
but the next time, and the last time I see her it's going to be a sleepover with two other girls so I don't know when I would get to tell her.
I just don't know what to do.
I want her to know how I feel,
But I don't want to freak her out.
What should I do?
I haven't been able to figure this out for months, I think it's tiem for other peoples imput.
"....Why not one more night, one last kiss goodbye , my sweet love tonight , I hope the stars , still spell out your name , where you are...
Kiss my closing eyes , help me sleep , without you I'm so lost , tonight I cry , tell me why , I can't live , without your warm embrace..."
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WoW.
I finally got back to posting....
SWEET.
and.
SORRY. that I haven't done this earlier.
But i have MAJOR SUCK BALLS NEWS.
I'm moving this summer [JUNE] to Georgia.
FOR REAL.
MOSTLIKEKY NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS MOVING SO AT LEAST MY DADS NOT JUST SHIPPING ME OFF.
I"M GONNA LIVE IN THE HELL HOLE THAT I SPENT MY SUMMER.
the summer wasn't that bad though because I didn't have to do anything and I could basically govern myself.
but this is going to be different, now I'm living there,,,and if you know me at all you know that I am never governing myself if my dad is anywhere in a 10 mile radious.
At least it's warm there....but then again it's so humid that you can feel the weight of it on you the moment you step outdoors.
I wonder if I'll pass out the first time we run in PE there. .... THAT WOULD BE SO COOL.
I just pray that we're not going to be in Americus.
I would probably start cutting.
it's that much of a shit town there.
but I think we're moving near Atlanta because that's where my dad says there are a few jobs he could take.
I hope there are actual people there that I can connect with. there are like two, here. but I won't open up to them because I'm moving away in about 9-11 weeks. [ school gets out in 9 and June ends at 11]
Fuck I hate life.
PS.
I have TOTALLY forgotten my myspace password...craapp.
Did I mention I hate life?
Seriously ifI wan't so flipping stubbornI would have cut myself by now, I feel all alone even though there are people in the room over,
andI feel empty, except for dreams that only wait on the horizon, and some days I can't see them at all because the pain of the sun is too bright.
I have 42 days left of school, that's nine weeks. I can make it.
But can I make it through the next 3years and 36 days till I'm eighteen and can move back home?
God I sound like a fucking soap opra and I hate it.
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Ok, I won't be on for a while and I haven't been on in a while...
sorry,,
my dad stole my internet. [I GOT IN TR_OUB_LE ]
and It majorly sucks but next time I get on, next time I have time,
I have a whole LOT of things to talk about.
like:
A.) My slight obsession with what's-her-name,
B.) I may not be moving to that one place,
C.) Griffin is an arse,
D.) I think I want a WAY new hair style,
E.) My room is a disaster,
F.) I CAN TYPE WITH OUT LOOKING
G.) I'm immune to Ibuprofin
H.) My PMS is BIPOLAR. and fucking painful.
I.) A bunch of other random shit that I'll remember later!!
EDITED MY HORIBLE TYPING IN THIS POST AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT IT NOW!!
WOOOOOO! | |
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Okay,
so basically today is a work on stupid toothpic bridge and read manga day.
And I chose to re-read Meru Puri, If you haven't read it you should go to onemanga.com and look it up.
Its UH-MAZE-ING.
but very weird... I lurv itttt.
But the reason for posting is that HELLO.
I need to vent.
Chapter 15 Page 13
I HATE MARIABELLE [ spelled wrong I know, but you can't miss her because of her stupid hair and manipulative bitch attitude]
SHE"S BEING HORRIBLE.
I WANT ARAM TO REMEMBER.
ARIA MISSES YOU!!
REI IS TOO DEDICATED TO THE CROWN AND NOT TO HIS CHARGE!!!
JEILE IS BEING GOOD.
AHHHHH!!
...You know what's really sad?
I've already read this manga, and I'm still spazzing out over it. LIKE NO OTHERRRR.
I guess some things never change. But seriously Mariabelle needs to die in a firey pit of hell.
and again if you haven't read it you TOTALLY SHOULD. XDDD | |
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Well, wow, BIG SURPRIZE.
I'm crying again.
It's just that there's always so much going on, and so much to do.
But never the fun stuff.
I've been noticing this year that my friends seem to just surpass me and fly by. They're expreiencing life, going out with friends, boys. While I'm staying in doing chores and homework.
Being the 'GOOD KID'
I'm really starting to hate being the good kid. I wanna let loose, I wanna go out with friends all the time, I wanna sneak out of the house at night and be scared out of my effing mind that my dad is going to catch me. But lately, there's nothing I could get 'caught' doing.
I feel like my childhood is being stolen,
I've been cheated, swindled, cut short, lied to, abused, I've cried my heart out and now I just want to be done. I miss my friends, I miss laughing so hard I cry. Now whenever I cry its always covering my mind full of memories of laughing when I was with true friends, and back before all the complications.
Back before Curtis.
Back before when my world wan't bigger than the back yard.
Back before I realized that nothing lasts forever. Relationships die, Memories fade, Toys get broken, Outlooks change, and worlds crash in split seconds. I just wanna be a typical teen for a while. Maybe that'll happen while I'm in Everett, or maybe this is just the beginning. I wanna go out with friends, I wanna laugh about nothing, I wanna chase boys, I wanna be selfish, I wanna be a true friend, I wanna get in trouble,
I wanna feel my heart race, I want the happy excitement that I hear people talk about eveyday. I want my life to be like my daydreams and stories I have yet to write down, it's horrible, all I ever want to do these days is write, but I have to spend my day doing work that i will never use or think about in a few months. It's pointless, I should be taking creative writing classes if anything. I just want to lock myself in my room and finish my book. I want to get as many of my dreams down on paper before I die. Whenever I write the world goes silent and I finally feel something. Sometimes I feel exhilerated, sometimes i just feel more deppressed, but that all depends on what part of the story I'm writing. If I wasn't so busy with school I would probably have my first draft done. But for weeks at a time I never have the time to take a break and write. Like right now I'm really busy, I should be writing a fake math project while my math project bridge dries. Why the hell are we building a toothpick bridge in math class? We're learning about proofs and the rules of congruency, not construction!
I'm out. byee.
"You know it tears me up inside to see the feelings that you hide, hide inside that empty bottle. "
Ps. My fire alarm keeps going off and it's really starting to piss me off , and no I'm not worried about being in a house that's on fire.
cause it's not. My dad never remembers to turn on the vent/ fan when he coks so the steam particles always set off the alarm. I don't see why we don't just disconnect the stupid things..
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I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while,
But I've moved, and my internet was down for a long time, and then when it was up I got really distracted by a new obsession that's almost burned out, a show called Dexter, and also I've been buried under school work.
Even now I should be studying for my Spanish Final that I have tomorrrow but Idon't understand two of the main concepts and she never explained them to me, and I know I'm not going to figure them out tonight. there's no way.
Okay, now for my second point. Life sucks. I don't seem to realy feel attatched or care about much anymore. Seriously, I just wnat to finish the school year and then move to Spokane. Once I get there I'm sure I'll start caring because I'm gonna be there for longer than 4 and a half months. I don't want to get attatched to anything here, I don't even want to make any good friends, I don't want it to add to the things I'm going to miss when I move. I'm already messed up from missing home, though I don't miss the 'home' part of home. Just the people.
Not that the people here are bad, it's just that I don't wanna get involved. haha, though if I wanted to get involved I could have a boyfriend by the end of the month, yes, guys here are that obvious, it's rather sad.
OH! speaking [ kind of ] of boys, I have once again realized that I don't go after guys that are Cute/ hot in the usual popular way. There's a guy in my Geometry and Spanish class that I think if I cared enough I could have a crush on. But I really don't want to be in any sort of relationship right now. But he's still a cool guy, and he's smart, and nice, and fuunnnyy. which is what I look for, since most guys this age are either jerks, players, druggies, or sporty airheads. [ though they can be sporty and have a brain too ]
I can't wait to be in Spokane and be done with moving.
One more thing....that I've been avoiding, and I don't quite know how to say it, well, I do, it's just that I don't know if I want to say it, but then again....okay, here goes, everything, I think I'm bi. but maybe I'm just confuzed, or, i don't know, But recently I've started to notice that I look at girls and guys. Like, loookkk.And when I noticed I made myself visuallize making out with a girl and I didn't feel repulsed or disgusted like my friends do when someone brings up gays.but I don't know... And I know that if my dad ever finds out about this he, well, I don't know exactly what he would do., he might send me to my aunts for a while. [ on the other side of the country ] But I don't know if your reading this and you know what I'm going through please comment or message or something cause I just don't even know,...though it might be why 've always been angry when people discriminate against gays/bi's,
gah, this is pretty long and i have to go feed my cat, so byee.
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OK, here goessss.
I know I haven't posted in a while.
a really really long time, but I'm gonna fix it, starting........
NOW.
:]
OKay, I found out earlier that Imay start the new school tomorrow, it all depends on whether or not the lady can make my schedual that fast, and apparently it is suppopsed to, or is more likely to take at least two to three days.
Which sounds a while lot better to me.
But since when does what I want matter a whole lot? huh?
And Another thing, my dad caught me online last night/this morning at like 12:30 am, either A, he takes away my computer, or B, I'm majorly grounded from the computer for a [long] while. hopefully not but the headsup to everyone is now given.
One more thing, my cat is getting annoying. reaaaallllyyy annoying. At first I was worried about her, about how she would adjust to a new place, new cats and dogs, but now I'm just getting annoyed. I'm also afraid of her most of the time. Last night she started to attack me for no reason. She was hisssing and waving her tail and paws all around and I was scared. My cat can do DAMAGE. And I found out afterward that she was freaking out because the cat riley [ katie- riley is a fag, haha ] was under my bed less than a foot away, but that does not explain why my cat turned on me instead of riley...
Okay, ome last thing [ I promise ] I just looked down and saw that I have a giant hole in the bottom of my right sock. I' ve been wearing it all day and I never even noticed when I was walking on the cold floor downstairs...at least I don't like this pair...
Well, that's all!!!
I'll post more later. [ If I don't procrastinate, or my dad takes away my computer...] | |
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My friend emailed this to me, so I decided to post my answers, mostly because I have nothing better to do...
One Word Game
Type only one word
1. Where is your cell phone?
Non-existant
2. Your significant other?
Non-existant
3. Your hair?
Brunette
4. Your mother?
Oklahoma
5.Your father?
caring
6.Your favorite thing?
warmth
7.Your dream last night?
forgotten
8.Your favorite drink?
JONES
9.Your dream/goal?
author
10. Your in?
newness
11. Your fear?
bugsss
12. What do you want to be in 6 years?
happy
13. Where were you last night?
;P bed
14. What you're not?
perfect
15. Muffins?
AMAZING!!!!
16. One of your wish list items?
happyness :D
17. Where you grew up?
Washington
18. The last thing you did?
stretch...
19. What are you wearing?
clothes...
20. What are you watching?
ANTM...
21. Your pet?
Which?
22. Your computer?
<3
23. Your life?
s'okay
24. Missing someone?
kindaaa
25. Your car?
non-existant
26. Something you're not wearing?
:P earings
27. Favorite store?
depends
28. Your summer?
LAME
29. Your favorite color?
blueeee
30. When is the last time you laughed?
earlier
31. When is the last time you cried?
yesterday-ish
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haha, the title of this post is off of Americas Next Top Model the theme song,
yerr I watch that show,
I'm actually watching a season I've already seen before and I know I'm gonna be just as mad as before when Kim gets booted off the show.
I'm just sitting here with my little sister drinking russian tea and having tortilla chips and salsa, yummmy!
gah, I haven't posted in a while because of the move but I'm gonna try to start posting more ofter through the next week or so, because I'm going to my new school on the week after valentines day.
....
......
...
I don't think I have anything else to say...
maybe later?
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